Closure. When I look at or hear this word, it immediately sends a message to my brain that something has come to an acceptable end. I can feel a peace and relief wash over me, only because I now understand how to get there. Closure. It’s not an easy destination, but once we understand how to achieve it, the power is in our hands.

Like many of you reading this, I’ve had my share of events that’ve happened in my life that left me blindsided and with a ton of questions. From the time I could comprehend as a small child, I tried to find ways to understand why I was abandoned by my mother. I had questions that needed answers. My family wasn’t the type to discuss anything in detail, only making sure I knew the horrible parts of my mother, and that she left me and my sister at ages 1 & 4. I decided that I’d get those answers when I was an adult so that I could heal my hurt, and start to possibly understand.

Unfortunately, my mother passed away when I was 13, and the closure I’d been hoping for was stripped away from me.

I spent most of my adolescence and adult life going through the motions as we all do, relationships start and end, family members grow apart, and in a lot of these cases, nothing was really discussed. It was just an end. These moments stuck with me throughout my life, haunting me. I was crippled by the “what ifs”. Ruminating over how people could just walk away and not give any explanation. I would get angry and stuck in that emotion where it was debilitating, often causing anxiety and depression.

Then one day I happened to read an article about closure. In it, a therapist was having a conversation with their client about a recent breakup. The client was severely distraught about the abrupt end to the relationship and wanted answers. The therapist asked the client if their ex partner gave any explanation at all, and the client responded “Yes. They said they lost the connection. They don’t feel the same anymore”. The therapist asked why that answer wasn’t acceptable. The client responded that they just wanted to know how they lost it. What was the incident that caused it? And several other questions.

The therapist looked at the client and said “You’ve been hurt and were rejected. I guarantee you for every answer you get, you’ll try to explain away your actions, and you’ll end up in a never ending cycle of racking your brain to justify yourself. Closure is not something another person gives you. Closure comes from yourself. It’s when you decide to accept an end and move on.”

When I read that article, it made such perfect sense to me. Why was I letting a person who rejected me continue to have control over my feelings and life? They are undeserving of that power. Now, I’m not saying that accepting an end to something comes without hurt or disappointment. I believe that we have to feel the emotions, express them, learn and then heal from them. And quite honestly, there may be times when we revisit them with sadness, but knowing that we are in charge of that forgiveness and letting go, removes an unnecessary load to carry on our backs. Only we have the power to forgive and close that chapter in our story so that we can be free to write the next one.

Two weeks after posting my sons answers to an experimental questionnaire for my children, I received the responses from my daughter.

I’ve always loved that my children felt safe and secure with me, enough so to tell me the not so great things that happened, or that are going on in their lives. I always urged for them to express all of their emotions; not just the ones that make them appear perfect. That it’s OK to be sad, anxious, upset and angry too. I believe it’s ingrained in us to have certain gender roles to follow in our lives because our parents fear what others will think of us. Our boys are taught to be stoic, tough, don’t cry, and our daughters must be pretty, pleasant, accommodating and not make any type of scene. This is what happened to me and I suffered in silence and continued the path I’d been taught… until one day I realized I didn’t want this repeated pattern for my son or daughter. I actually had a say on how they were to be raised and maybe I could stop the dysfunction that was continually happening in my family.

I felt my daughters responses so deeply, just as I had my sons, but I will say that my daughter is a bit more expressive than my son. I could feel the hurt in both of their answers, but maybe more so with my daughter because we are both female. We both know the expectations placed upon women in the world and what society expects and requires of us.

As with my sons, I am posting my daughters answers as is, with no changes. I’ve learned so much from this conversation with them. I’ve also grown and healed. And I undoubtedly know that they have too.

TC: Can you remember your fondest memory as a child? What was it and how did it make you feel?

MC: I can’t think of any specific time, but I always looked forward to playing with my other cousins on my Dad’s side of the family during the holidays. When we would go to Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners, all of the kids would hang out together in the basement before and after eating. There were a lot of us who were around the same age so it was fun when we could all get together. I remember playing on the nintendo 64 for the first time at Aunt Kathy’s and Uncle Tom’s, which sparked my love for Mario Kart. My favorite part was when we would rip all of the cushions off the couch to build forts and have nerf gun wars. It made going to holiday dinners fun and I genuinely loved being with my family.

TC: How would you describe your childhood?

MC: When I think of my childhood, I think about how active I was. Whether it was running errands with mom, practicing my soccer skills with dad, or playing with other kids in the neighborhood, I felt like I was always out and doing something. I look back fondly on my childhood friends and the random, creative things we would do, like making “potions” out of my mom’s perfumes and lotions, playing ding-dong ditch on the same few houses, and having sleepovers and uploading an entire album to Facebook of goofy selfies taken on a digital camera. I would say my childhood was full of love and fun times.

TC: What were your thoughts when your father and I told you we were splitting up?

MC: I distinctly remember feeling sick to my stomach when you told me you didn’t want to go to Dad’s family’s Christmas party. That’s when it set in that things weren’t going to be the same anymore. I was concerned for both you and Dad, and I was afraid for things to change.

TC: What were your thoughts when I told you I was gay?

MC: I don’t remember being surprised, but I do remember not understanding how I didn’t know. Looking back on it, any of the negative feelings I felt were because you didn’t already tell me. I remember being worried that you didn’t want to be around us as much. I didn’t like when you kept things from me, even though I obviously wasn’t mature enough to understand everything at the time.

TC: Can you remember your most unpleasant memory as a child growing up? What was it and how did it make you feel?

MC: I’m sure I have some earlier unpleasant memories, but one that sticks with me is when I was in 6th grade and my math teacher deliberately tried to embarrass me. I was always hesitant to raise my hand and publicly participate in class. One day, the math teacher called me out of all the students up in the front of the class to do a problem that everyone had got wrong on the test. I made several failed attempts and he just wouldn’t let me sit down. He finally called on someone else to help, but made me stand up there with them, watching them do what I couldn’t. At the time, I felt singled out and embarrassed in front of the whole class. It seemed like I was being punished and I didn’t know why. Shortly after that incidence, we learned that the teacher’s son had recently died in the military. I wonder if that was his way of taking out his pain and anger on someone else, or if any other students were victims to it.

TC: When you think back on how you thought about my coming out as gay and divorcing back then, to how you think now, are there any differences? If so, what are they?

MC: As I mentioned before, I hated when I felt like you were hiding something from me. For some reason I always had to be included. I think I was vying for your attention the more you would go out and do things as Terri, not as my mother. Understanding what I do now, I think about how hard it must’ve been to decide it was time to tell me and Sean. It made me proud that you were able to prioritize your happiness while still being the same mother you’ve always been. This taught me how important is was for you to put yourself first and be unapologetically yourself.

TC: What would you describe as being the positive and negatives of having a gay parent?

MC: I can honestly say that there aren’t many cons to having a gay parent. One of the biggest positives would be supporting, representing, and being a part of the LGBTQ+ community. I feel like my relationship with my mother only strengthened after she came out. The bond that we share and our ability to learn from each other have also been positives.

TC: What would you say are the positives and negatives of having parents that are divorced?

MC: The biggest positive of having divorced parents is seeing them live their best lives on their own. Knowing that they are happy and thriving individually makes all the hard times worth it. Divorce comes with negatives such as financial stress and a lack of cooperation between both parties, but my parents have always come together to put me and my brother first despite facing these obstacles. I admit that it was emotionally hard for me when you first moved several states away while I lived with Dad, but you remained the supportive and involved mother you have always been. I look back fondly on the times I visited you too. I ultimately think I became more independent after you decided to move.

My coming out journey began when my children were teenagers. My son was 15, my daughter 13.

I’ve written about the conversations I had with them when I disclosed my coming out and their father and I divorcing.

10 years have gone by and I’ve watched my children grow into adults who have formed their own viewpoints and perspective on so many different topics that I felt compelled to revisit the topic of my coming out and their parents divorce.

I know that time can distort so many stories we play in our minds, so I wanted to clarify if what I had thought back then, was still true today.

Now let me say, this was not an easy task for me. I’ve always had guilt for the breakup of my family. It’s not something any parent wants to put their child through, but I also felt very strongly that I needed to be an example for my children, and it was my hope they’d understand my decision as the years went on. I was also potentially reopening a wound that may cause some animosity toward me on their part. Nonetheless, I needed to do this.

About a month ago, while out to dinner, I told both of my kids about my questions. I also explained to them the importance of me sharing their responses to this blog, so that it may help other women and their children who are going through something similar.

One thing I absolutely adore about my kids, is they are very open minded and compassionate people. Knowing that their responses could help others made them feel good about sharing.

I told them that I’d like to email them several questions instead of doing an in person interview, mainly because I wanted them to take their time and be as honest and open with their responses. I didn’t want them to hold anything back and that they were not to worry about hurting me. I just wanted complete honesty.

Last week my son sent over his responses to my questions. I am going to list them without any changes. I am slightly embarrassed and feel sadness in my heart by some of what you’ll read, but I also feel good about most of it.

Here we go…

TC: Can you remember your fondest memory as a child? What was it and how did it make you feel?

SC: Can’t really put one specific memory at the top. But I remember always being really excited for Christmas and it always lived up to the hype. A lot of good times.

TC: How would you describe your childhood?

SC: I would say that I had a great childhood. Had a good family that loved and cared for me and never had to want for anything.

TC: What were your thoughts when your father and I told you we were splitting up?

SC: I was surprised. I didn’t know there were any issues going on. And I was anxious to see what that meant for our family and where we would go from there.

TC: What were your thoughts when I told you I was gay?

SC: I was really surprised. I didn’t have any idea until you came out to me. But I was accepting of it and never held it against you.

TC: Can you remember your most unpleasant memory as a child growing up? What was it and how did it make you feel?

SC: Probably the times I got in trouble for not doing homework. Happened a lot, but the two that stick out were when you called me retarded because I got a C- in english class in 6th grade. Or when dad told me he gave up and whatever I do in school was on me. Don’t remember when that was, but probably roughly around the same time. Didn’t feel great but I wasn’t doing schoolwork so that’s on me.

TC: When you think back on how you thought about my coming out as gay and divorcing back then, to how you think now, are there any differences? If so, what are they?

SC: I haven’t really changed my opinion of the situation at all. I was accepting of it then and that hasn’t changed.

TC: What would you describe as being the positive and negatives of having a gay parent?

SC: I don’t really see having a gay parent as being any better or worse. I don’t think you coming out really changed my relationship with you in any significant way.

TC: What would you say are the positives and negatives of having parents that are divorced?

SC: From the kids’ perspective, I’m not sure there’s many positives of having parents that are divorced. Not having a consistent living situation and having to do family things separately can be managed, but I don’t think it ever makes things better. But I think that some relationships just don’t work out, and staying together for the sake of it when you aren’t happy isn’t good for anyone. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the good of your family, and do what it takes to make things work, because you never want to see someone you love unhappy.

The purpose of this exercise was for me to release some guilt I’ve been feeling and to get to know my children on a deeper, more mature level. I can tell you my son did not disappoint. I believe his father and I raised him well despite many faults we’ve shown in his upbringing. And in seeing his responses, I believe he feels the same. I think we can all agree that divorce is not a pleasant experience for kids, but I also believe they understand when their family dynamic isn’t a happy one, and ultimately want that for all involved.

I won’t post the exact conversation I had with my son after I read his responses, but i will tell you that I apologized profusely for the derogatory comment I made to him. It honestly didn’t sound like something I’d ever say, but as a frustrated parent, I do know we can say some really stupid things in the heat of the moment.

One thing I do know for sure, is I believe I reached a new depth to my relationship with my son. Teaching him to talk about feelings and how it’s such a good thing to be open and vulnerable. I see these actions in his relationship with his girlfriend and it makes me so very proud as a mother, especially his.

Some may have noticed that I haven’t been on here in quite some time. So many changes over the past 6 months that were so incredible, but also challenging and difficult.

I just wanted to say that as much as I want to write each week and help people who are traveling on a similar journey, I realized I need to take a step back and work on myself a bit more before I can administer advice to others.

I am still committed to this group and will check in from time to time, but there are some things that I need to address within myself so that I can become a better person, not only for me, but for those I love and care about the most.

Life is not without its ups and downs, but we must make the most of these challenges when they are presented to us, so that we don’t repeat the same unhealthy patterns that can destroy our chances at becoming better humans.

I’ve put off dealing with some unresolved issues for quite some time, and I’m ready to take it on full force.

Be well. Take care of yourself and those you love.

Here we are starting a new year and I thought it was time for me to get back to writing again. Most of my life, I loved to write. It’s an outlet for me to quiet the thoughts in my head, or at least subdue them to a level that isn’t deafening. Often times in order to get to this level of peace, I go through some emotional turmoil first. We all know that in order to get to the other side of something, we must go directly through it and sometimes quite frankly, I don’t want to. I put things up on a shelf until I feel strong enough, or in some cases – defeated enough to tackle the issue.

This brings me to today’s topic: Prepared for Readiness. Ever since I had my children almost 25 years ago, I’ve done some form of work on myself, typically in therapy. From learning ways to control my anxiety by understanding why I developed it in the first place, to healing old childhood wounds inflicted by neglect and abandonment. I’ve worked very hard to make improvements in my life. As I’ve gotten older, new obstacles popped up that I needed to find ways to adapt. Growing is never complete. It’s a forever, ongoing process.

So here I am at the age of 52. Chock full of life lessons. I survived 2 marriages, came out as a lesbian, raised 2 amazing children, relocated a couple of times, and found ways to make it on my own.

With these accomplishments you’d think I’d have found the key to living the life I’ve always dreamed. The reality is, I have a picture of that perfect life in my head, but I often followed my heart instead of my head and overlooked many red flags on my quest for a lasting love.

All of us have a different definition of what their perfect life is. I may tell you mine and it could be so completely different from yours or the next persons, but this is what makes us individuals who are free to live as we chose.

My dream has always been to feel safe and secure. With a family. With a partner who will stay. A home where we all come together and are just happy. A place for calm and tranquility. I never had this growing up. There was constant chaos and moving all the time. Fighting, anger, abuse. From my earliest moments, this is all I remember.

As much as I would try to achieve what seemed to be a simple request out of life, I was repeatedly involved in situations and relationships where there was extreme highs and deep, dismal lows. I would find myself in a relationship with someone who showered me with all the affection and admiration a person could ever want; building dreams together in our minds, but then having them stripped away as quickly as they were presented, until the pattern repeated itself over and over again. A roller coaster of emotional ups and downs.

What was really happening, is I was reliving my childhood. It’s what felt familiar to me. The brief highs were worth the lows is what I kept telling myself. That I could eventually get what I wanted if I just held out long enough. Loved more and sacrificed more of myself to prove my love, until one day I realized I was never going to achieve my dream of a simple life if I didn’t change the patterns that were ingrained in me from practically birth. Because this turmoil was so familiar to me, I was continually selecting people who were not capable, or willing to back up their words with actions; much like the people who raised me.

We are all worthy of having a fulfilling and joyful life. Destructive patterns can be broken and new healthy ones put in their place. It just takes acknowledgement and a willingness to change.